everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
