Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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