dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
