Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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