I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
