I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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