After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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