remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
