seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!