I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im six kinds of drunk right now
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
