U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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