So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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