When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
