I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
