I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How does one acquire holy water?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You ruined the universe
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
