the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
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