dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize