I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
