Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
