theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize