if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
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Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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