I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
