Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
