I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
