it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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