My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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