The maid of honor just puked.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
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