please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize