i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
