oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
