Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
