I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
