did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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