you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
