dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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