A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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