remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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