Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
