DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
