Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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