Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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