i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
