I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
