Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found puke in my bra..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
