Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
