escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
