We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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