I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
