i think my tv is drunk
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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