im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
