Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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