i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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