You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
