seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
