Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
