i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
COCAINE IS GR8
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
