she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
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I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
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Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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