I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm really busy with my period
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