I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Come back. Shots need mouths.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
