My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
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