my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
