his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This house was built for laser tag.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
