I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
