last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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