i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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