I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
