I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's always time for handjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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