saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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